There is no particular way that I want to start this post so I
am just going to start it.
Complacency: self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by
unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies
Sometime last year about mid October this is what we had fell
into. It took root and started to rip our family apart without us
knowing until it was too late. Anger, frustration, bitterness, neglect,
unforgiveness, our past lives, and everything else in between
was allowed into our home with opened arms. My husband
found himself slipping back into past addictions and I found my
heart longing for something beyond what the Lord had given me.
I found myself longing to break the sacred oath that I made with
God and my husband. There is so much that came into play to
get us to that point but when it all comes down to it we became
complacent. That to us meant a lot less prayer and word and a
lot of pleasing ourselves. We became extremely selfish in the
things we wanted out of each other and life as a whole. It became
about self.
After two failed attempts of recovery programs that only lasted
a couple of weeks in Vegas it still was not enough. These programs
in my opinion only further fuiled the fire for self in such a way
that self control and what ever higher power you believed in was
the way to over come. There was no truth. There was no strong
foundation in which to build upon and I wanted nothing to do
with my husband or his recovery. I felt that it was a cop out and
excuse for wanting to do what he wanted to do. My husband ended
up moving into his parents apartment because I no longer wanted
him in the house with our children and myself. At this point he
was on his way to where we are now, California. The VA along
with the Salvation Army decided to bring my husband into a long-
term recovery program that would last for four months. I was
not at all interested or concerned with this at the time and just
wanted out of it all. Vincent kept pleading with me to wait on it
and to come along side him for the family sake. I only would come
back at him with if he was so for the family that he would have
never gone that route in the first place. That was that.
The time came when he had to go and we had somewhat came
back together in a way but the war was still being fought within
me. When my husband was finally shipped off to the program
and pressures of no finances, no home, no nothing at all kicked
in and I was left with the kids to deal with this all by myself I
was sure that I was never going to be with him again. Divorce
was becoming more of a reality for me. Phone calls from him
was no longer excepted from me and it was decide that I just
needed some time with God alone. In God's word divorce
is wrong yet my heart reasoned for it. This was a chance for
God to work in my heart. I needed work within me and couldn't
see it because I was so focused on what my husband was
doing. We both needed a work.
I set out to do what I said I would and that was to pray that
God would work in my heart and restore the love I once had
for my husband. In spite of how hard it was to pray this it was
through the will to obey it was followed through. After two
months went by in which he had been in California almost four
I found out that they changed it to a six month program. That
is when I felt a softning of my heart. Before hand I had written to
him what appeared to be a Dear. John letter which didn't get
to him until this time in which this had occured which created
yet another painful issue to overcome. My husband had met
someone. What a revelation that was. I needed to know
where my heart was on this matter and it was that I still loved
my husband. I had made the horrible mistake of telling that
I did not love him anymore which left him with no hope for us.
We spoke to each other after these two months of not talking
and now his mind had been made up for divorce and that we
should part ways and move on with our lives. This turned my stomach
inside out because I had phoned to tell him the complete opposite.
My, my how the enemy moves in quickly.
This kind of pain is never forgotten and for four days straight,
non stop, I prayed from the bowels of my soul. How is it that
most of the time we have to learn the hard way? Grave mistakes
had been made on both ends. Were we going to live in disobediance?
Were are children going to pay the price for our selfishness? Would
we become yet another chain in a generational curse? After cousiling
with our pastor in Texas we both were reminded of our vow not
to each other but to God first. We were face to face with the fact
that we were putting self first. Somewhere along the lines our
priorities had changed and on the day of our 7th year anniversary
we decided to do something about it. Our gift to God and to each
was the descision to reconcile. We made the choice by the grace of
our mighty God to let NO MAN, not even ourselves, tear apart what
He had brought together. A couple of weeks later we made the trip
out here to my husband after not seeing him for 5 months.
A month later we moved out by faith to be with him even though he
was still in the program. It was set up that we had a place to stay,
I had gotten a job transfer, and all the other details were set for our
arrival but not so. The children and myself ended up in a homeless
status and for almost 2 1/2 months we lived not knowing where
we were going to sleep or eat. My husband still had his program to
finish so he was limited to what he could pitch in to help out. I dared
not go back to Vegas because there was nothing for us left there. All
our help ended being here. I worked very hard to get rushed help
from the state living from motel to motel and feeding the children
and myself from a food card. There were good days and bad days
but what made it all worth was the fact that the children got to see
the face of their father and feel his embrace. Oh how happy they were
to finally see their daddy. Nothing could compare to the joy of knowing
that we were walking in obedience to God. After this trial, and I would
have to say the biggest trial that I have ever faced, we are now fully
back together again in our own apartment. My husband graduated
from the program and faithfully attends meetings at the church. My
husband also runs a band in which we worship and praise side by side.
That has always been a dream of his. There is SO much in between this
story that happened that I could not tell it all in this one post. God is
good!!! He brought us through all of this and tried us through the fire.
We know we still have a ways to go but now we know we are suppose
to do it together looking to our Lord and Saviour as our source of life.
I want to also give an apology to the various DTs that I was serving
on. Life just happens in the most topsy turvy way. Never could I have
imagined going through such a thing. I am DEEPLY sorry for dropping
off the globe and asked for your forgiveness. Please know that I missed
you so.
These are but a few of the TONS of pics that I have taken and over the
next few weeks I hope to get them all posted for you. It is going to be
a picture fest!!!
Be blessed truely blessed!
CPS Sketch #143
CPS Sketch #91
